For the last 7 or 8 months I've made some seriously bad decisions. Posting this on a public forum might be one of them.

Before I really get started, I think a little background is in order. I have bipolar disorder and an extraordinarily addictive personality. Despite knowing both those things I succame to alcoholism, used copious amounts of illegal substances and abused over the counter sleeping pills. I've been throwing my life away. I stole from my friends, friends close enough to be family, to fund my vices. I'd like to say I feel terrible about it, but emotional numbing at the hands of SSRIs prevents that. That makes me WANT to feel sick and despise my self.

Two weeks ago I walked out on my job, just up and left. So I could go home and get drunk and high. I'm not in control of myself and I can't seem to get grab hold of my actions. I am psychologically addicted to a certain drug that is typically not associated with any amount of addiction. I've been throwing my life away, neglecting responsibility. I dropped out of school because I was getting stoned every day, though I may as well have flunked out for years before I started.


Well, on saturday I move back to my parents house where I physically can't get away with any of my vices. I need to get clean. I've told none but my parents about any of this. Well, my roommates as well. But they got to watch me spiral around the drain for almost the last year.

Let my mistakes be a warning to young programmers, especially those with mental disorders or have a naturally addictive personality. I post this as a warning. Do not let yourself fall victim to your vices. OTC sleeping pills activate the same neural receptors that mood stabilizers inhibit. Same goes for the 2nd most prevalent compound in the most used drug in america. Alcohol negates their effects. Don't do it. Focus on your projects and your studies. Please learn from my mistakes.

Some people find making Let's Play series to be therapeutic, mainly because you're talking about your problems while playing a fun game. I hope you can get better.

I'd like to say I feel terrible about it, but emotional numbing at the hands of SSRIs prevents that.

It doesn't seem appropriate for me to say that it is a good thing that you want to feel bad, but it kind of is. This means that you aren't trying to justify those acts to yourself anymore. Speaking as someone who has been on the other side of a similar situation, don't keep beating yourself up over it. Once someone tells you that they forgive you, know that they probably do. That isn't the kind of thing that people lie about to be polite and you can't let something like paranoia stress you out into a relapse.

Keep an eye on the alcohol withdraw. If you start to shake don't just chalk it up to stress, go see a doctor that day. I've seen this firsthand and it can get bad fast. You may actually want to consult your doctor on a non-emergency basis anyway if for no other reason then to enumerate the risks and prepare yourself mentally for what your going to feel like for the next few weeks.

Other then that, welcome back.

Thank you for your support my friend.

As for the welcome back? I'm always here. It's always open in a tab on one monitor or another. I just lurk a hell of a lot more than I post

Glad to hear you're getting help. The important thing is that you are trying to make things better, even if it is hard to do it.

Tangentially relatedly, my brother-in-law just died on Wednesday from alcohol abuse. He had been clean for a month and his body just began to shut down. Drugs promise to help escape things, but all they do is chain people down and destroy them and hurt those who love them.

Get well!

Withdrawal killed him?

It would have if the hospital hadn't put him on the drugs necessary to survive it.
But, alas, the damage to his body was already done. His liver was so fractionated that there was no recovery.

We just buried him today. I miss him.

I don't often post much on the forum anymore, but this is definitely deserving of a response.

I honestly and truly hope that you manage to recover from that addiction. I can see it being a difficult journey, but I'm glad that you're getting help. If you need someone to talk to and don't have anyone else, please drop me a PM. My PMs get forwarded to my email, which I check regularly, and I'll be happy to listen.

And please, don't hate yourself. Please don't even want to hate yourself. Sometimes, self-loathing can be a motivator to work harder at recovery. Most of what I've seen it do, however, is plunge someone who's already down into a further vicious circle. They feel they've done bad things, so they hate themselves for it, so to cope they succumb to their poison, and thus hate themselves even more.

-Albatross

P.S. Also, bipolar is an unholy bitch of a disorder. I hope your prescribed medications are helping.

They aren't, but that's more than likely due to the drugs and alcohol

Make that a definitely! Especially alcohol.

All I can tell you is:
TALK, TALK, TALK.
Talk with people, online or IRL.
Every word you say is one step forward.

Frankly you already have the best therapy for your problem(s). I've done just about every drug and vice there is and nothing, no high, trip, or experience comes anywhere near the rush you get out of seeing a project or program come together before your eyes. I don't know about everyone else, but I can easily stay up 48 hours straight on the excitement of designing some brand new creation. The mental stimulation alone should get you off depressants, and the need for clear thinking can certainly help with upper addiction (meth, coke, etc...) or coffee can serve as a replacement.

Who needs booze when you can take a little idea and grow it into a full blown project 20,000 lines strong? Who has time to get stoned day in and day out when every thought can be the next big thing? If you focus on getting your projects accomplished you'll find all thoughts of altering your mind fade (or at least I have).

Collaboration is also a wonderful thing. Others can help keep you motivated and on track as well as providing social interaction which goes a long way towards keeping you on the right path.

Frankly you already have the best therapy for your problem(s). I've done just about every drug and vice there is and nothing, no high, trip, or experience comes anywhere near the rush you get out of seeing a project or program come together before your eyes. I don't know about everyone else, but I can easily stay up 48 hours straight on the excitement of designing some brand new creation. The mental stimulation alone should get you off depressants, and the need for clear thinking can certainly help with upper addiction (meth, coke, etc...) or coffee can serve as a replacement. Who needs booze when you can take a little idea and grow it into a full blown project 20,000 lines strong? Who has time to get stoned day in and day out when every thought can be the next big thing? If you focus on getting your projects accomplished you'll find all thoughts of altering your mind fade (or at least I have). Collaboration is also a wonderful thing. Others can help keep you motivated and on track as well as providing social interaction which goes a long way towards keeping you on the right path.

This is all true to some extent, but there is a catch when factoring in the bi-polar. The periods of rush and excitement are offset by periods of dreadful feelings and emptiness.

In my experience, long excitement driven programming binges can lead to big lows, especially if you're isolating yourself while doing it.

Just thought I'd give you guys an update on my progress. Today marks half a month of sobriety.

I've smoked cigarettes for a while now, used to be able to make a pack last a month. Quitting my other vices has caused me to pick up on that. Used to have a mech mod vaporizer, which was working wonders for beating the cravings. Electric models don't vaporize as much nicotine and don't quite cut it. Then the battery shorted out on the mech mod and I haven't been able to replace it yet.

Yeah!
Keep it up!
:O)